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| you ruin pleasure
you take every last drop of hope i have left in me and obliterate it
i dont even remember inviting you into my life.
you just walked in
and suddenly, you are pointing out all the things i didn't see before
yes, you have made me into a better person
i understand the world around me.
i am aware.
however, i am unable.
i will build my home far from the traditional.
how will i raise my children?
what are dreams?
who is the person i dont know?
you are like a pair of glasses i wear.
you reveal things.
you ruin pleasure. | | |
| this is going to be sort of like an ongoing bullet list of things that have happened over the last month or so that i have failed to write about.
a week or two ago, i saw a girl from my persuasion class for which i am a Teaching Assistant at a party. she grabbed her friend and introduced me to her as "the hot TA." it was a really nice ego booster.
this past weekend was halloween. they were probably some of the most fun parties i have ever been to. some confusing things happened, but im sure it was just circumstances.
not too long ago, i got the chance to go to ashmore estates for a tour. it was pretty cool, except for the fact that the guy that owns it now is ruining it. after that, we went to the witches grave, which was pretty intense. more recently, we went to the grave again after seeing paranormal activity, which i thought was a pretty good movie. | | |
| its really sad that posting in my blog is the only thing i might be able to feel good about tonight.
i suppose the first step to admitting you have a problem is putting it off till later.
there is so much around me that happens but i don't see. so many things that people say and think about me. its not that i care about what they think of me. its more, i want to know what they think because i have no idea who im becoming or where i am going. most of the time, im a total selfish asshole. i better not get one comment on this stupid blog saying otherwise either. no one knows me better than god. but after god, no one knows me better than i do. i know im selfish. i am also lazy. i have gotten more lazy and selfish over this semester. i havent felt 100% well hardly at all this semester. my grades are dropping. its ridiculous. i just cannot find the right balance in my life. i just need to feel like im doing something. im so tired of this feeling of "why in the hell am i doing what i am doing anyway." i understand college prepares you better for the future, but i am so unmotivated because i dont see anything in my future. ive never really had a dream job. its so hard for me to try to think of one too because i have a problem with traditional lifestyles. maybe i dont belong here. maybe i just need to go. live on my own and just move far away. move to africa and try to help people not starve. then i would actually be doing something.
do you realize that scientists could basically be figuring out a ton of stuff in our lifetime? there is this thing that i saw on television that basically controls mass, and if we can find a way to remove it, for some reason it can make light speed possible. yes. light speed possible. our lifetime. thats insane. because as soon as that is possible, millions of other things are possible. its mind boggling. i realize that was all really vague, but you get the point. those people are out there working towards something amazing. that really isnt my thing, but then again i have no idea what my thing is. point is, they are working towards something. why is it so hard to be complacent while your future is unsure? i dont have doxa. i dont know if i ever did.
i need to make some changes in my personality. no one else is going to do it for me. i am seriously so ingenuine it isn't funny. i dont know what it will take for me to change though, because i dont have any self discipline.
if i can say anything good about my life right now, it would be that my social life is booming. this weekend was halloween and the parties were great. met a bunch of new people, which i love doing.
i also have a favorite tv show now. its called community. its great. ive never actually watched it on tv though.
i just suck at people pleasing. i have too many commitments and i can barely please anyone. if anyone that currently thinks im an asshole is reading this, you are probably right. im sorry. and its even more pathetic that im trying to apologize over a blog. but honestly, i dont see things. i dont see it half the time when people are mad at me. so, my bad. i just fail at life. bigtime. seriously. everyone else seems like they are figuring it out. ive obviously got some sort of problem.
at least im falling asleep now. at least im not crying myself to sleep yet. ill let you know if that starts happening though. | | |
| Well, I spent too much money this weekend. That was stupid of me. I still have plenty, and i still have my reserve cash that i keep, AND i guess i did have tons of fun this weekend, but I still wish that I wouldn't have spent so much. oh well. i did have an amazing weekend full of actual fun and some funny drama as well. i want to remember weekends like these for a long time. I just feel so happy. I got to see practically everyone this weekend, and spend time with all of the really awesome ones. My eyes keep opening to new things. Its fantastic.
side note: this album is great. | | |
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